Capitaan dildo arrescate!
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
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