her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
