My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
