Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize