Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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