i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
