The maid of honor just puked.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
