You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
