you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
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