It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
