Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
