Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
my liver is dry heaving
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
