So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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