upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
