Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
