i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
