I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
