I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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