this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
