Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
