When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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