Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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