it wasn't lemon gatorade
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
