Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
