Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
