My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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