After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
