he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
