im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
