The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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