The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
