By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
