The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
