genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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