hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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