I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
