I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
