On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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