I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
