im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
