last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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