Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
