How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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