Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He? As in you personified your dick?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
