There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize