It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
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