I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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