u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
