he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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