I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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