So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize