I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
