When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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