I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
