wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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