i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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