There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
