k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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