I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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