Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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