Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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