Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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