tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
