ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
