Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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